If somebody told you they were married and looking for other lovers, would you be shocked? If so, you wouldn’t be unusual, but an increasing number of people are starting to ask why. After all, it’s increasingly common for people to have a number of lovers before they get married. Why not afterwards?
The reason, you might say, is that marriage is, by its very nature, supposed to be about monogamy. You simply cannot be married and looking – it’s a contradiction in terms. But aren’t we trivialising marriage if we consider it purely as a sexual thing? Don’t people get married for all sorts of reasons – for security, for tax relief, or just because they love each other and want to be together for the rest of their lives?
Talking to couples who identify as married and looking, it’s easy to see that they maintain serious commitments to one another. Obviously some won’t be successful in staying together till death do them part – not when the divorce rate in Britain is nearing fifty percent – but many will be, as evidenced by the older couples who have stayed together over decades despite having affairs with other people. These people are not highly visible because social prejudice meant they have felt obliged to keep it a secret that they were married and looking, but they certainly exist. And one of the things they frequently report is that they found both their marital sex life and the emotional bond between them more satisfying because they had that extra experience.
Not so very long ago, even in Britain, the idea that a woman might not be a virgin when she got married was really shocking. As a result, many women got into what they hoped would be lifelong relationships with very little experience either of sex or of how relationships work. They depended to a large extent on luck in order to enjoy a mutually fulfilling experience. For those who managed to negotiate things so that they were free to be married and looking for other opportunities, the chance to get together with other people was a revelation. Doubtless it ended some marriages, but in many other cases it strengthened them. It gave those women the chance to work out what was right for them.
These days our pre-marital sex lives are not so strictly controlled but a significant number of people still marry young and later regret their limited experience. Fortunately, websites like www.marriedandlooking.co.uk make it easier than ever to discover the solution. Not only do they make it easier to find dates, but by establishing a community of people who are all married and looking they provide a safe space where it doesn’t have to be a secret. Perhaps it’s just the beginning of a gradual crumbling of social taboos in favour of individual liberty.
Of course, when you’re married, you’re never entirely at liberty – you always have your spouse’s well-being to consider. But when you both agree to stay married and looking, you’ll never find yourself torn between frustration and cheating. Most people who define themselves as married and looking don’t see it as cheating because it’s not breaking the agreement at the heart of the relationship. It’s understood that other lovers will not be a threat to the marriage and that the marriage will be the primary consideration – just as it is for anybody else with a healthy relationship.
By exploring relationships with other people from within the existing security of a marriage, it’s possible to have fun and gain experience without taking nearly as many risks as a single person might have to face. When your lovers know that you’re married and looking for uncomplicated fun, they can respect your independence from them. If an affair ends badly, you’ll always have your spouse there to help you recover. And that doesn’t mean you’ll be taking your spouse for granted – if you’re both married and looking, it’s likely to be understood that you might one day have to return the favour. What’s more, you can also share the good times – and you can both benefit from the new things you’ve learned when you go to bed together.
The romantic ideal of Western culture is that marriage partners will be innocent and then discover fantastic sex together by a fluke of good fortune. The reality is that, whilst loving somebody generally means the sex is pleasurable, inexperienced couples often find themselves with limited means to express themselves sexually. If you want to remain satisfied with one another for a long time, having a varied sex life can really help, making sure that things always remain interesting. When you’re married and looking for sex with other people, you can acquire the experience you need to keep your marriage vital through the years.
With an increasing number of people now defining themselves as married and looking, it’s easier than ever to find someone for you. The internet is a great place to meet and get chatting, either singly or as a couple. If you’re nervous, it can give you and your spouse the chance to vet one another’s choices before you consider meeting up with them in person, and you can even go to meet people together for extra security. You can find people in your local area or you can travel to visit them further afield, further reducing the risk of complications.
Some people who are married and looking are only after one night stands. Others are looking for affairs which can last for years. As long as you and your spouse have agreed on what’s acceptable to you as a couple, you’re free to make your choice. Whatever you decide on, being married and looking will introduce you to a social experience that will stay with you and enrich your marriage for years to come.