How to have a Successful Threesome

Is it possible to have too much of a good thing? That’s the question – but it’s one most guys keep quiet about when discussing the subject of threesomes with their mates. The official story is that everybody wants to try it. Some will claim to have done so already. In a few cases, it’ll be true. But the fact is that many men, while they enjoy fantasizing about threesomes, aren’t at all sure how they’d feel about them in reality. It’s one thing to get off on the idea of sex with two fantasy women, but quite another to get into that sort of situation with two people – people who’ll have ideas of their own.


Despite this uncertainty, which many men feel, threesomes do happen, and they don’t just happen to the sort of men who boast about them and who seem to base their lives around their sexual exploits/ All around the world, ordinary guys enjoy these opportunities in all sorts of different circumstances. If you’re feeling brave enough to try and make your fantasy come true, what do you need to do to join them?


Asking your Girlfriend


You might expect that your girlfriend would run a mile if you suggested a threesome. You might be right. But you’ll never know until you try, and there are ways to approach it which can provide you with an exit strategy if things go horribly wrong.


One of the most erotic things couples can do together is sharing fantasies. When you’re in the mood, snuggling up together in bed, or when you’re passing the time at a boring social function with nowhere to escape to in order to act on your feelings, whispered interchanges can turn up the heat. Be ready to be surprised – you can’t afford to disapprove of anything your girlfriend suggests if you’re about to make a potentially explosive confession to her – but bear in mind, also, that she may be shy and uncertain what to say, and may need a bit of nudging along before she’s prepared to admit what she thinks. When you talk about your fantasies, keep the focus on her so as to build her confidence. Make sure she feels special.


The next stage of discussion is to ask your girlfriend if she fancies other people. Make it clear that you’re not jealous and be good humored about it. Humor is the key, so that you can always make it seem as if you were just teasing if things go too far. If necessary, take a few days or even weeks and discuss these things on repeated occasions until she feels comfortable with it. If she admits to being attracted to other men, see if she’s willing to admit to a threesome fantasy. If it’s a big thing for her, and if you think you could cope with seeing her with another man, you could consider making it come true. Many straight men participate in threesomes of this kind. Some enjoy watching their girlfriends in that situation.


If your girlfriend admits to an attraction to women, or to curiosity about sleeping with women, things are looking up – but don’t move too fast. She may well be offended if you automatically assume this means she’d be up for a threesome. A good way to progress is to start discussing what it is about particular women that appeals to each of you. You can take this further and start looking at women when you’re out together in bars and nightclubs. It’s a short step from there to learning to flirt together.


If your girlfriend is completely straight, don’t give up hope. She may still be interested in a threesome. She may like the idea of pleasing you, or of doing something daring. Since women are brought up to feel awkward about their sexuality they tend to suppress desires of this kind and they may feel like bad people for experiencing them, but that doesn’t mean those desires aren’t there. In fact, you’d be surprised how many women are up for it, given the right circumstances. As with any sexual situation, the trick is to make them feel special, to build their confidence and to encourage them to feel good about expressing themselves.


Finding Another Woman


If your girlfriend agrees to a threesome, you may feel as if you’ve got the whole world at your feet, only to run into a blank when it comes to finding another woman. Some threesomes happen spontaneously – when, for instance, one of your girlfriend’s friends takes an interest in you – but if you’re not that lucky, how do you find a third party to help you fulfil your fantasy? Furthermore, how do you find the right third party – someone sufficiently attractive whom both you and your girlfriend will feel comfortable with?


In this situation, many couples turn to personals columns. If you do this, beware: there are far more single men and couples looking for these opportunities than there are women, and some of the women who do advertise in these columns are in fact prostitutes who’ll wait until the last minute before demanding fees. There’s also a risk of blackmail (if this does happen to you, remember, you can often defuse the situation by being open about things right away). Of course, there’s nothing wrong with using the services of a trustworthy prostitute if you’re sure there’s no disease risk, but this isn’t what most men with threesome fantasies really want. Part of the fantasy involves seeing two women enjoying themselves and it’s not the same if one of them is just pretending to do so for money.


Ultimately, the best way to find another woman is to go out and look for one the same way you’d look for any other prospective sexual partner. Be sociable as a couple. Get used to letting each other know when you find somebody interesting. Be flirtatious and don’t be afraid to drop hints about what you’re looking for. So long as you’re prepared to back off if women become uncomfortable, there’s no harm done. You may find that your girlfriend’s experiences as a woman give her more insight into these things than you have. Let her take the lead. Doing these things as a couple may bring the two of you closer together, all the more important if you’re heading into a situation where jealousies and insecurities can be aroused. You may also find that they lead to you having a lot of great sex in the meantime.


Three in a Bed


When you finally find the right person and you’re all ready to go, what then? Sitting around talking about it is all very well, but how do you turn it into something physical? The first thing to do is to create a relaxing environment, for yourself as much as anybody else. Lower the lights, put on the right music, have a few drinks, and start your physical contact with hugs, stroking and other behavior which can proceed as slowly as required. Only let things go further when you’re sure everyone is ready for it. It’s possible that your first attempt at a threesome won’t work out, that someone will get nervous and it’ll have to be called off. Don’t worry – be supportive, and it may well work out on the second attempt. If nothing else, you’ll have learned valuable things about how to negotiate.


When you do get into bed, follow your instincts. Don’t try to balance out exactly the same type and quantity of attention to each woman – that’ll only feel artificial and awkward to everyone. Just make sure that neither of them has reason to feel ignored. On the other hand, be careful to control your own emotions – if the women are interested in each other, you may have to put up with being ignored a little more than you’d like. Be patient and enjoy watching. You shouldn’t need to be the center of attention to have a good time in a situation you’re fantasized about for so long.


Remember that, although you’re sleeping with both of them at once, the women you’re with will have different needs and desires, different ways of approaching sex. Encourage them to let you know how you can please them and they’ll be far more willing to go along with what pleases you.


When you’re all hyped-up and excited about a situation, things can, of course, still go wrong. Bodies don’t always co-operate. Threesomes can be particularly hazardous in this regard – if nothing else, you can find yourself warn out trying to satisfy two women – but they also have an advantage, in that the other two people can entertain each other if you need to back off for a bit, even if they’re only doing so by talking. Don’t exhaust yourself by trying to do everything at once. Relax and enjoy the situation. After all, if it works out for everyone, there’s no reason why there shouldn’t be other such opportunities in the future.


In the Aftermath


When the sex is over and you step out of that strange little bubble world in which fantasies can become real, it’s important to restore normality and make sure that everybody feels okay. That includes yourself. A threesome may show you a side to your girlfriend which you hadn’t known was there before, and you’ll need to adjust to that. It may have changed the way you feel about your own sexual desires, or it may have left you uncertain how to relate to the other woman. All these things need to be talked about. If there’s a possibility of the threesome happening again, it’s especially important to do the talking early on rather than letting any problems become compounded.


The most important thing for you to do after a threesome is to spend time with your girlfriend so that the two of you can renew and strengthen your bonds as a couple. Whether or not you decide to do this again in the future, it’s bound to change the way you relate to each other. Understanding that fantasies can become real can have profound effects on how you feel about life in general. Try to make room in your life for these changes, but don’t stop looking at pretty girls – after all, you never know what might happen in the future.

The World and His Mother

Talking to your spouse about dating other people can be complicated enough, but if you’ve successfully negotiated that, and you’re both comfortable with the idea, there can be other hurdles in your way. Unfortunately, marriage is about more than just two people. Inevitably, friends and relatives will concern themselves with it too, and the consequences of them discovering that you’re married and looking can be disastrous. How can you handle this?


The first thing to do is to understand that complications involving friends and relatives are an inevitable risk, no matter how discreet you try to be. Talk to your spouse about this and make sure you both take due time to think about it. Try to agree on the right way to talk to anybody who raises concerns. If those close to you are worried that your marriage may be on the rocks, it helps to present a united front. You’ll also need to make sure that concerned friends don’t inspire doubts which put pressure on your relationship, and that they don’t intrude into the privacy which is an essential part of the bond between you.


Most people who are married but looking feel that nobody else needs to know. It’s essentially a private matter, and being open about it could lead to social approbation or even problems at work. The unfortunate downside of this strategy is that when your secret is uncovered, the very fact of your discretion can make it look like something you were ashamed of. It’s important to anticipate this and have an explanation ready, one which aims to head off people’s concern and acknowledge their curiosity without giving away too much of what is private. Many people won’t believe that you and your spouse are both comfortable with it until they’ve talked to you both, so, difficult though this can be, it’s usually best to try and deal with it quickly before your friends become tempted to gossip.


Gossip, of course, feeds on moral outrage, and sometimes people who consider being married and looking to be immoral will still make a fuss about it even after you’ve shown them that no-one is getting hurt. It can be difficult to deal with people like this and you may find that it seriously damages your relationships with them, but you should be wary of getting into passionate arguments which will only make them more likely to blow off steam about it with other people. Try to downplay its significance so that they may think of it as wrong but they don’t think of it as a big story. Discuss what they say with your spouse so that neither of you feels morally isolated by it and you’re less likely to be persuaded to doubt your choices.


Of course, disapproval by a friend, or even a work colleague, is a minor problem compared with disapproval by a parent, sibling or grown-up child. We don’t get to choose our families but, for the most part, we’re stuck with them, and moral disagreements within a family can be very upsetting. Try to remember that these aren’t always as clear-cut as they might seem. Although, upon first discovering that you’re married and looking, your relatives may well argue that it’s ‘wrong’, very often their reaction is less about principles than about a simple desire to protect you, your spouse, and/or your marriage. To most people, the discovery of extra-marital activity is an indication of impending breakdown. Because you marriage itself represents an extension of your family, this is something which family members will usually want to prevent. They’ll also want to prevent the unhappiness or humiliation of those they love, which they may well see as inevitable.


Talking about your marital arrangements with your relatives can itself be upsetting and humiliating, but it may be a necessary evil. It helps if you can deal with one person at a time. If you think a relative is suspicious about your activities, it may be better to take the initiative and have a talk with them before they raise their concerns with somebody else. That way, if the rest of the family do find out later, you’ll have somebody who has a better idea where you’re coming from to help explain your situation.


Most people expect that their elderly relatives will be the hardest to talk to about this sort of thing, but that’s often not the case. People who remember what life was like during and just after wartime, when normal family relationships were disrupted and there were shortages, in different places, of women and of men, are often familiar with the idea of open relationships and have sufficient experience not to be bothered by them. These people can be useful allies when you have to explain things to the rest of your family.


Once your family understand that you’re married but looking, and that it doesn’t mean your marriage is in crisis, you may encounter another problem – that your secret has become the family’s secret and that they are anxious to protect it, to the point where they become controlling. This can be particularly difficult if you’re already open about it with some of your friends, and it can effectively limit your dating options. Try to explain that what you do on dates with other people deserves as much respect and privacy as what you do within your marriage. It’s one thing to be discreet about extramarital dating – say, by using a matchmaking service like – but trying to hide all your social interactions with your dates from the public eye is quite another, and can have an unhealthy effect on all your relationships.


Sometimes friends and relatives will react badly to discovering that you’re married and looking because they don’t think it’s a big deal, and because you’ve chosen to exclude them from that part of your life. This can best be dealt with by explaining that you were concerned for your dates’ privacy. That way they won’t feel that they lacked the trust of you and your spouse.


Dealing with the ordinary interactions of your family and social life with your marriage can be difficult enough, without complications like this. But if you plan ahead and make sure you deal with it together, it’s far from impossible to find a happy resolution.

Looking for Trouble

These days, as society becomes more open about different types of relationship, the traditional framework of marriage is slowly crumbling. Increasingly, married people are beginning to look elsewhere for sexual and even romantic opportunities, and married dating is on the rise. This doesn’t always need to involve secrecy. Some spouses are quite open with each other about their married dating, and it’s possible for relationships to be strong enough to take it. But people don’t tend to give so much consideration to the strangers they’re getting involved with and what the situation is doing to them.


Getting involved with somebody else when you already have a life commitment isn’t always easy to handle. If you don’t know the background of the person you meet, married dating can be looking for trouble.


Gone are the days of wife swapping parties and clandestine meetings in sleazy bars. Married dating has cleaned up its act, and you can now meet people in online venues like There are pictures to look at and profiles to consider before you get in touch. But as we all know, meeting people over the internet can be risky at the best of times, and you have to ask yourself how much you can be sure of in a situation where you know from the start that the person you’re meeting may have something to hide. If you’ve chosen to be honest with your spouse, that doesn’t mean they’re being honest with theirs.


There are way to reduce the risks when you start married dating through a website. Always make sure that your first meeting is in a public place such as a bar or restaurant, where you can easily leave if you feel uncomfortable. If you don’t want to confess what you’re really up to, tell your spouse that you’re going to meet friends in that place, but provide a time when you’ll be home and stick to it – that way you know that someone will come looking for you if things go wrong. If things go really well and you can’t resist pursuing a sexual opportunity that same night, regardless of the risks, you can always call to say that you’ll be late.


It’s a good idea to spend some time getting to know your date in person before you take things further, simply because doing so involves going somewhere private with them and this puts you at risk. And don’t assume, if you’re male, that the risks of married dating only apply to women. It’s not unheard of for men with important careers to find themselves blackmailed in what seemed like an innocent situation, or to discover that the women they’ve met are being followed by husbands who want to fight or rob them. You can never be sure that you’re dealing with just one person, so if you must get involved in something as risky as married dating, be cautious about it and don’t throw yourself into something that’s almost certainly too good to be true.


Most people who get involved in married dating are simply looking for a fling, for some sexual excitement which won’t impact too strongly on the most important relationship in their lives. However, there are other people out there who are looking for much more. It’s important to try and work out what sort of person you’re dealing with before you get involved. If your date is lonely and frustrated in a crumbling marriage, they may become attached to you very quickly and more intensely than you can cope with. It can be very difficult to get out of this kind of situation without breaking somebody’s heart, and you also risk finding yourself with a stalker. Try explaining to the police that you acquired your stalker through married dating and you may not receive the most sympathetic of reactions.


Beyond these practical concerns, there are moral complications to married dating. If you’re happy in your marriage (even if it doesn’t give you everything you want) and if you have no intention of ever parting from your spouse, what are you going to do if you find yourself falling head over heels for somebody else? It’s very difficult to navigate a situation like this without somebody getting hurt. Alternatively, if you and your spouse have discussed all the ins and outs of married dating and are confident that you can handle it, what will you do if you find out that your date is keeping it a secret from their family? What if there are children involved and a trusting partner who would be horrified by the very thought of married dating? This is the sort of thing which can break up families and you need to be aware of that from the outset. No matter how careful you are, there will always be some risks, because you are having to rely on a stranger’s honesty and capacity to handle complicated, high pressure situations.


There’s a reason why monogamy is at the heart of the western marital tradition, with affairs undertaken only in a context where nobody seriously expects them to last. Once you start legitimising married dating, people lose sight of important boundaries. There simply aren’t the social structures in place to cope with it. What might be a fine idea in a society where it carried no stigma and where jealousy was unusual, rather than expected, is far more complicated, difficult and dangerous to pursue in the world we live in today.


Before you get involved in married dating, stop and think carefully about the risks involved. You could face blackmail, physical violence, marital conflict, heartbreak and loss. You could breakup somebody else’s loving family. Is it really worth it? Can you continue to look upon it as a trivial fling when you’re aware of the damage it might do?


Perhaps you’re one of those fortunate people for whom everything will work out well. But for most of us, married dating should remain firmly in the realm of fantasy.

A Cheat’s Charter

We all know there are some dodgy things out there on the internet. Perhaps you’ve had your suspicions, sometimes, about what your husband looks at on the computer when you’re not around. But it gets worse. Imagine how it would feel to find out that your other half defined themselves as ‘married and looking’!


Along with the tide of pornography on the internet has come a flood of dating sites, but these are not the kind of thing you’d find in the back of the Sunday paper. Instead of hopeful ads from lonely hearts looking for romance, these sites are all about sex. Most of the people who use them don’t even pretend to be looking for anything else! And whatever kind of sex you can imagine, you can find it there. There’s next to no regulation and there often seem to be no rules. These people revel in the anonymity that the internet offers. They don’t want to know about the home lives of the people they meet. They don’t care whose lives they might be wrecking.


So what can be done about this? Horrifyingly, the answer is nothing. Internet service providers just don’t seem interested in taking responsibility for this kind of content, saying that it’s up to their users how they wish to use dating facilities. It is possible to block some of these ‘married and looking’ sites using child protection software, but of course, you can’t stop your husband from going elsewhere.


If you know your husband is saying online that he’s married and looking, should you challenge him about it? Some women say yes. Others think it’s better to keep quiet and watch how he actually behaves. After all, this ‘married and looking’ business might just be a harmless fantasy. If he tries to act on it, and he doesn’t know you’ve been keeping an eye on him, then you an take action.


Shameless Sites


It would be nice to think that people wouldn’t lie to each other in a marriage, but sites like will really open your eyes. It seems there’s a huge number of men out there – and women, too – looking to hook up despite their existing relationships. Most of these people are apparently married and looking for others in the same situation, but others are single people looking for married partners because they actually think it’s easier that way. If all they want is a quick fling, they think doing it with someone who is married will reduce the chance of complications. But for most women, having their husbands cheat on them is complication enough!


These shameless sites perpetuate the idea that being married and looking for sex with other people is somehow socially acceptable. Well I’m sorry, but that’s just not true! Perhaps some people are willing to let these things go because it’s the internet, but internet society is made up of ordinary people who walk around the streets in our society just like you an me. If they think it’s okay to be married and looking on the internet, how are they going to behave in the wider world?


Sites like these don’t just provide the opportunity for people who are married and looking for a ‘bit of fun’ to flirt with people online. They help them to meet up in person where, very often, they end up having secret affairs. And because they’re anonymous, people using them can even talk about their affairs without their loved ones being able to identify them. Imagine the humiliation of finding out that your husband was not only sleeping with somebody else, he was telling the whole world about it – all except for you, of course!


Spreading the Word


Unfortunately, sites like these seem unlikely to go away in a hurry, so all that concerned women an do is to warn each other about them and try to watch out for signs of trouble. Perhaps you don’t think your husband could ever consider himself married and looking, but what if you’re wrong? Don’t wait until it’s too late. If he’s spending a lot of time on the internet and is reluctant to tell you what he’s been doing there, try looking up the history in the web browser after he’s finished. It’s easy to do and it’ll let you see the URLs of the sites he’s visited most recently. If he is using sites for married and looking people, this is a good way to catch him in the act.


Although the notion that it’s okay to be married and looking is damaging to society, it does have one plus point on the personal side – at least our husbands aren’t claiming to be single! Perhaps the women they’re flirting with don’t care that they’re married, but they an hardly claim not to know. This small degree of honesty is a sign of hope – it means that marriage still matters to the men in our lives. Now we need to show them what they have to do if they want to hold onto their marriages.


These shocking married and looking websites are a cheat’s charter and the only way they can be stopped is if ordinary people protest. If you can’t get your ISP to listen to you, at least talk to your husband directly and let him know what you think of this sort of thing. You don’t need to make it a personal attack – in fact, the best time to do it is before he’s even thought of visiting a site like that, before he’s been tempted. Let him know that you’re married and looking forward to a bright future together, and that you can’t imagine anything the internet has to offer making it worth jeopardising that.


Married and looking dating sites will probably always be out there, but we don’t have to accept them, we don’t have to pretend they’re okay. And we don’t have to stand by while they ensnare the men we love.